by BISHOP KOSHIN OGUI
Buddhist Churches of America

I was 23 years old when I thought to myself, I’d be better off dead.

Everything was going wrong. I had fought with my superior, I was thrown out of the temple in Los Angeles, I caused a car accident, and I had broken up with my girlfriend, who I left in Japan.

Even under the care of the Socho in San Francisco, I had to be hospitalized again due to the accident I had been in. And through it all, my English hadn’t improved a bit.

So after all that, my state of mind began to change. I started thinking: Someone like me is totally useless. I’d be better of dead.

That started during one of my zazen meditations. The longer I sat still, the more the things I tried to forget came to the fore. All the things I tried to fudge my way through and all the things that were staring me in the face came out. I saw myself clearly as someone that was totally pitiful. I wished I hadn’t started zazen.

I decided to go consult with the Zen master, Shunryu Suzuki, and I told him exactly what I was thinking.

He replied, “It’s a certainty that at some point you will die. So there’s no need to rush. When your time comes, you can die then. But since you’ve been blessed in this life with a human form, why don’t you try living a while longer?”

Then he proceeded to tell me that my life was completely unique, and he talked about the teachings of Jodo Shinshu. He said sternly, “Your life is Buddha’s life. You are thinking selfishly now because you think your life is your own. That is the height of your arrogance.”

Those words live inside me to this day. To know that when my time comes, I will definitely die, so it’s best to wait for my time. And to truly realize that my life is not mine alone to do with as I please.

Meeting good people rich with wisdom is a wonderful thing.

Gassho

Translated by Lefteris Kafatos